When you’re in a long-term relationship with someone, you make a lot of decisions together, both big and small. However, taking the plunge and choosing to get married might be the most important decision you make together. Marriage might not be for every couple, but for those who do want to get married, it’s good to know what it’s really like before getting married. Of course, the best advice about marriage usually comes from people who are married or have been married.

In a recent AskReddit post, a user asked married men and women what advice they would give to singles about marriage. Their answers show that marriage is not something you should rush into. As romantic as it is to think about getting married and sharing the rest of your life with your partner, marriage is also a big commitment, and it takes a lot of work on both sides to make a marriage last. There are a lot of things you should talk about in your relationship before getting engaged, like how to talk to each other and whether or not you’re really compatible.

If you and your partner are thinking about getting married soon, here are 13 tips from people who have been there.

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1: Keep an eye out for red flags.

When you love someone, it can be hard to look at your relationship objectively and see possible red flags. But when it comes to something as serious as marriage, it’s important not to go into it blindly, ignoring things that could cause problems in the future.

2. You can choose to love someone.

It’s not realistic to think that every day of your marriage will be filled with lots of love and romance. Don’t forget that you can choose to love your partner even on “bad days.”

3. Talk about the future before making a decision about it.

If you’re thinking about getting married, it’s important to talk to your partner about what you both want for your future together, such as where to live, how many kids to have, etc. If these goals don’t match up, it may not be meant to be.

4: Don’t get married unless you really, really want to.

Marriage isn’t for everyone, and if you’re on the fence and feel like your partner is pushing you to get married, things will end badly. Only get married if you really want to be married.

5: Try to see things from the point of view of your partner.

Arguments are expected in a marriage (or any long-term relationship), but if you can take a step back and see things from your partner’s point of view instead of just your own, it will be much easier to deal with them.

6. Trust is important.

Trust is an important part of a good marriage; without it, a couple can’t stay together. If you have trouble trusting each other, it’s best to work those things out before getting married.

7: Tell your partner what you want from your relationship.

There’s a big difference between knowing what you want out of your marriage and being confident enough to say it and setting unreasonable, unfair, or even unspoken standards for your partner that you want them to meet. The second option will only lead to sadness.

8. Use your different skills to help each other.

What is the benefit of working together? When things get hard, you can each use what you’re good at to help each other out. And it’s okay if the support doesn’t feel even all the time. An equal relationship doesn’t mean that everyone has to do the same amount of work all the time.

9: Respect for each other is a must.

Another thing that makes a marriage work? A shared sense of respect for each other. If one of you doesn’t respect the other, it’s rare that your marriage will last.

10: Talk about money before getting married.

It’s not always easy to talk about money with your partner, but if you’re going to get married, it’s crucial that you and your partner are on the same page about money and know each other’s spending habits and financial history.

11: Don’t hurry to get married.

If there’s one choice you should never make quickly, it’s getting married. It’s okay to take your time in a relationship, and if you realise that you don’t want to be with someone long-term, don’t be afraid to break up and look for someone who’s a better fit. When it comes to marriage, you should never settle.