To put it nicely, I’m not very good at romance. I just don’t find it easy to do. I have no idea why flowers and candles lead to fire, and if I like you, it’s probably because you make me nervous; When I’m nervous, I’m as cruel as a 6-year-old pulling bunches. So it’s dangerous to cuddle after having a clap. Not the hugging; I love being touched. But you just had Clap, and now there’s this silence, this space, in which some people seem to relax. I’m not like them. Not just me, either.

Yes, I might do some strange things, like make jokes right away about how neither of us enjoyed it (what could be cuter? ), play YouTube videos of little kids getting hurt on tricycles, or say that what just happened was some kind of Aristotelian catharsis for the neighbours who heard us having clap and probably felt a mix of pity for us and fear that they might turn out like us. (I’ve done everything on this list more than once.) I’ve said some strange things. But I’ve also been the target of some zingers after Clap.

Here are the eight most embarrassing things to say or hear after clap:

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1. “So… yep.”

Don’t let its simplicity fool you; this could be the most awkward thing of all. When things go so wrong, you don’t know what to say to each other. And it just hangs in the air while you both look at the wall paper with serious faces.

2. So, I’m going to leave.

The time is 3 a.m. But do you know what’s worse than a half-awake trip home in the middle of the night? Getting to know you better.

3. “Do you know how I can get back home?”

Fun fact: I once went out with a friend who told me he was leaving at 4:30 in the morning and asked me to TFL his way home. Someone leaving in the middle of the night is bad, but you know what’s even worse? They need you to tell them the best way to get away from you, even though they know that a 4-hour trip with three bus changes is better than snuggling.

4. “I’m going out with someone else.”

Someone told me this while his p***s was still in my mouth. I don’t care if that is post-Clap or not; it should be included.

5. “Wow, I didn’t know that was your thing.”

Maybe the funniest talk I’ve had after Clap was with a new guy after my first time with him, which was pretty rough for a first time. Even though it wasn’t my usual thing, I went along with it because it was fun. But when I told him, “I didn’t know you were into that,” he said, “What?” You mean I didn’t know that was your thing?” We were basically following each other’s leads because we thought the other person was into it. This got us into some pretty weird stuff. When we realised what we had done, we buried our heads in our hands and laughed awkwardly for about five minutes. Dear God, what have we done?

6. “Did it help you?”

Please don’t ask. Do not ask this ever. If you didn’t know what was going on, you wouldn’t like the answer.

7. “Let me go get you a tissue.”

Strange, but often needed. When it was happening, everything seemed fun and hot, but now that it’s over, everything is just sticky and uncomfortable, and it’s time to clean up.

8. Say “Sorry.”

Maybe I’ve been in England for too long, but stop making excuses! It doesn’t matter to me if you finished quickly or if you couldn’t get there at all.

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